Music Reviews

Haha, wow Coldplay, that was a good one! Now can you please release the actual album?

… oh you’re not joking. Well this was a disapointment to put it lightly. But maybe disapointment isn’t even the right word, because my expectation weren’t really high in the first place – though they still managed to not be met. We all really fell for their bait when they released „Coloratura“, the 10 minute long closing track to this album and easily the best song on this album and that Coldplay has released in a while to be honest. It reminded me why I liked Coldplay in the first place and why I’ve been defending them and their music for years now – unfortunately I fear that even the most die-hard Coldplay fans can’t find a way to defend this album, because it is to put it bluntly undefendable. It’s such a colossal failure on all fronts that it’s honestly baffling. Like how do you screw-up this bad? Half of the album’s songs are interludes and the other half are either forgetable or memorable for all the wrong reasons. Like the awful stuff comes in a lot of variety too – you have the over-produced piece of millenial pop on „Higher Power“ believe it or not still one of the better songs on here, the just unexcusable horiffic vocal chops at the start of „Humankind“, which if that didn’t instantly ruin your enjoyment of the song like it did it for me, there is still the super cheezy chorus that just reminds me of Lil Dicky’s „Earth“ for some stupid reason and everything that’s remotely connected with that song is an instant no from me. What else… Oh yeah, there is the Selena Gomez song „Let Somebody Go“ with a FRICKING TRAP BEAT ARE YOU SERIOUS?? Did you guys like forget you are a band and that you have instruments or something? And the beat is not even that good even though it’s, and I s**t you not, produced by METRO FRICKING BOOMIN. That’s a name I didn’t think I would ever mention in a COLDPLAY review, but here we are. There is also the car commercial-esk „People of the Pride“, which I’ll admit on an innitial listen I actually kind of liked, but as time went on and this album has had some time to sit with me a bit more, man, this song did not age well. Now everytime I hear it I just picture like an add for a new Toyota model or whatnot and I just can’t take it seriously because of that. There is also the song „Heart Emoji“ (too lazy to pull up an actual heart emoji, sorry), which doesn’t take inspiration from Bon Iver, because it just completely rips him off and it doesn’t even try to hide that. After People of the Pride there is the series of 4 songs which I like to picture each represents a different stage of the grieving process – the first song „Biutyful“, AKA DENIAL, is me denying this song’s existence, because I refuse the fact that a band I once openly liked could release something so hideous like this. The second one, fricking „Earth Emoji“ I guess, AKA ANGER, makes me so god damn angry at how low-effort this whole song just is – there is nothing remarkable about this and there is a reason that this is the single lowest rated song on the whole album, if you can even call it that, a „song“. The thrid song, „My Universe“ with BTS (god…) unfortunately IS an actual song, though I wish it wasn’t. The third stage of grief is BARGAINING, which represents me bargaining everything I own and just begging for the song to be over. Now for the 4th and final song before the closing track we have this thing „♾“ – like what even is that. Anyways the fourth stage of grief is DEPRESSION and indeed, that is arguably what I have after this just awful series of tracks I just had to stomach (there is technically a 5th stage „acceptance“, but I honestly refuse to accept any of this – but if I were to imply it still, I guess the fifth stage would be the legitemately only good song on the album „Coloratura“, which is fitting).

So yeah, if there is one thing to take away from this review, it’s that there is no acceptance with this album, it only leads to depression. Also look on the bright side of things – I listened to this album, so now you don’t have to! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go fix my taste with some new Beach House that dropped like a month ago and finally stop wasting my time with this garbage.

Decent 3/10